I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
