i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
