Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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