i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
