You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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