Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
