"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
