Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
