im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
