why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
