I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
