I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
