Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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