Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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