Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The beer is more important than you right now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
