Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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