She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
