I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
