my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hippo gnu deer
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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