All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
