This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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