it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
