There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
