Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
