So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
