shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
