Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
