She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
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I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
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We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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