I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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