I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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