how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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