the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
