I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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