Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
