I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
