hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
