I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
