Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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