frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
