Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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