He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
