this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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