I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
