i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
