You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
