I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need to calm my uterus...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
