ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
