Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
