I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
