I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
