At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
