Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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