I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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