don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
