My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
