Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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