definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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