All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
