It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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