he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
