i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
