You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
