For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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