Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
